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+--- Thread: GeneL Needs Our Help! (/showthread.php?tid=231141)
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help! - GeneL - 09-08-2019
space-time, after years of pouring love and generosity into caring for my son he has decided to focus on any and all the things that he has decided we're so terrible that he cannot have me in his life and the lives of my grandchildren.
One example he gave me that he is hanging on to is based on my giving him the freedom to make his own choices. From an early age it was obvious that he was very bright, so I started by letting him decide what to wear to school. Some choices he made were terrible in my mind, but I said "okay" and then suggested an alternative with an explanation. I never disparaged his choice. As he grew up I continued to feel that more than not he made intelligent choices for himself.
That is the background that led to his apparently long held anger towards me.
When I asked him why he was so angry with me, one of the reasons was that he had chosen to stay overnight at one of his high school friends house. In the morning when he got up he walked out to the living room and found that they were filming a porno there!
He blames me for allowing him to stay there, saying that I should have checked the people out??? Mind you, this was before the internet took off, so how was I supposed to "check them out?" As far fetched as it may sound, he is still blaming me instead of himself for putting him in that situation.
Whatever his reasons, he has cut himself and my grandchildren off from me, so I have no relatives for support here in California.
DP, I appreciate the "ethereal" support, but I desperately need something more personal, like someone to talk to, to have a conversation with.
Is there anyway to build a small network of friends who would be willing to go the extra step and actually talk to me on the phone.
I know that because the forum uses http rather than https posting personal information isn't secure, but I would really appreciate being able to connect with a voice to those of you who have continued to stay with me through this harrowing time in my life.
And by the way, I did double post a short time ago. I had begun writing and got side tracked, not realizing that I had already posted the thoughts, so I ran across a copy of the post and mistakenly posted it again.
Anyway, I am open to suggestions...
... and thanks!
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help! - Filliam H. Muffman - 09-08-2019
I understand the concerns about mobility. It took my mom a several months to adjust to not having a car. It looks like https://www.ladottransit.com/other/cityride/index.html is the default version for seniors in LA. Costs for trips is a little high, at $4 for a 10 mile ride. It's cheaper if you can qualify for the Access LA Paratransit program. https://accessla.org/riding_access/gaining_eligibility.html
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help! - GeneL - 09-08-2019
I had a conversation with the doctor that covers the patients staying in this nursing facility.
He explained to me the the weakness that I'm experiencing is due to my congestive heart failure. I asked him what can be done for that. He told me that there are some medications that could help. I found that answer disturbing. It's like trying to save a sinking ship by bailing out the water with a small bucket.
I don't like my odds of having my health and my quality of life getting any better.
For most of my life I have skated along and somehow found a way to live well enough to be happy. Now, I don't have a very optimistic outlook that I will ever recover from feeling impaired in a way that will prevent me from feeling that I can make my life any better than where it is now.
BTW, I have tried the OCTA ride service and found that they were too unreliable. I have seen them drive into the entrance to our condo development and then go off in the wrong direction, even though I was jumping up and down and waving my arms, they just drove off in another direction.
Currently, I use MediCal's CalOptima ride service which is free to me. The problem with them is that they are frequently late in picking me up for dialysis.
There may be a way to use this service for other purposes than medical. That would really be great. The problem that I see with that is that it will require planning ahead, which takes away from any spontaneity.
Believe me, I have checked all the agencies for help finding a place to move into from "rehab," but none were helpful. Likewise, most of the agencies that have been suggested were unable to offer any real help.
One thing that could make sense in keeping this thread open would be if I found a way to have some more direct connections with you, my forum friends. By that I mean being able to get in "direct" contact with you so the kind words, suggestions and good thoughts could have a voice attached to them and also to have the direct benefit of the expertise from some of you who have successfully sold on eBay or the equivalent. As good as I am in selling face to face, I'm afraid that I haven't been able to bring that skill to bear on offering items for sale on eBay.
I can't begin to tell you how much your posts have meant to me, but now I am wondering if any of you are willing to take the next step and make it more "personal?"
Also, BTW, something was mentioned about a "Go fund me" and whatever that might bring in, it could be helpful. From buying a cheap vehicle to take my collectibles to the local flea markets (if I ever get well enough to handle that) or to buying a portable oxygen concentrator so I wouldn't have to lug an oxygen tank around. They are so unwieldy and don't last long enough to allow for all day activity. I know that it would be a long shot, but as unrealistic as it seems, I feel that it would be like buying a lottery ticket, so what do I have to lose?
So much for now and thanks for hanging in with me.
GeneL
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help! - Janit - 09-08-2019
GeneL wrote:
When I asked him why he was so angry with me, one of the reasons was that he had chosen to stay overnight at one of his high school friends house. In the morning when he got up he walked out to the living room and found that they were filming a porno there!
He blames me for allowing him to stay there, saying that I should have checked the people out??? Mind you, this was before the internet took off, so how was I supposed to "check them out?" As far fetched as it may sound, he is still blaming me instead of himself for putting him in that situation.
Whatever his reasons, he has cut himself and my grandchildren off from me, so I have no relatives for support here in California.
It is the people who were filming the porn who were to blame for the situation, not you and not your son either. None of us has ESP, and there is a limit to what any of us can infer about the secrets other people keep from us. Perhaps it was the arguing over blame that caused the rift as much as the original events themselves. It is very difficult for all of us to cope with the fact that many things are beyond anyone's control. It is often more satisfying in the short term to find someone to blame, even if that interferes with a long term solution.
Your son was clearly distressed by finding himself in an alarming and perhaps frightening situation, and that memory has stayed with him, as such memories often do. Perhaps a conversation with him about this distress would be helpful, as long as it doesn't deteriorate into a contest over blame.
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help! - GeneL - 09-08-2019
Dear Janit, your response as always, reflect your considered thoughts about the "human condition." Unfortunately, my son has shown less and less inclination to discuss "feelings" and cuts me off because whatever I am saying, it's not what he wants to hear. If I raise my voice a bit in frustration he accuses me of yelling at him. He also accuses me of trying to make him feel guilty. I pondered this recently and the conclusion that I came to is that it's not me wanting to make him feel guilty, but rather his own sense of guilt that causes his reaction. I don't want to make him feel guilty. I just want him to think about why he wants to blame me for whatever is bothering him and to let go of it. That is obviously not going to happen. I just can't figure out how we came from a loving relationship to not even being able to have a conversation about what is bothering him. I have tried to wrap my mind around his reaction to me and all that I can come up with is tied to his seemingly fanatical adoption of becoming a Christian and to his wife and her family?
As things stand, I don't have any optimizm about getting through to him. It makes me so sad. I only know that I would like him to give me the same kind of love and support that I have given him in the past. I sure could use it now.
Oh well, life goes on... sigh!
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help! - Markintosh - 09-08-2019
GeneL wrote:
because whatever I am saying, it's not what he wants to hear.
That seems to run in the family Gene. Many of us have been making suggestions and clues about how to move forward, but the only thing you want to hear is how to move back to where you were...back with Mavis, back to the swap meet life...back to your comfortable place. Unfortunately, we all have to keep moving forward. Most of us have been going through the aging parent thing, and we know this is true.
I've been in northern San Diego county a couple of times in the last couple of weeks supporting my own father, who just turned 84. He suffers from Type 2 Diabetes, mid-stage dementia, neuropathy, and most recently atrial fibrillation. He dearly wants to get back to his old life of technical writing, driving wherever he wants to go, eating hot dogs at Padre games and traveling the world. It's all he talks about. It's just not possible though. As caregivers and supporters, the best we can do is help people peacefully move forward and enjoy the life that they have, right at that moment, the best they can.
Move forward Gene. Stop looking backward. Enjoy that you CAN get out of a nursing facility, because many can't. Enjoy that you have a ride to dialysis, even if it is late, because the alternative of no dialysis is so much worse.
That signature quote that I have been rocking here for about 5 years is tattooed right on my right calf. Move forward positively Gene.
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help! - mrbigstuff - 09-08-2019
Markintosh, thumbs way up for that. Gene, don't be afraid, new adventures await, even if you have new health concerns to deal with. And perhaps you can change the outcome in the near term. It would be great if you used your talent for the written word on articles for the local paper or simply for a blog geared towards your hobbies, or even your tribulations.
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help! - Janit - 09-08-2019
Markintosh -- telling someone that they should enjoy what they have when they are struggling with a deeply stressful situation is rarely helpful. They KNOW they should, but nevertheless they CAN'T. And the realization that they can't simply "look on the bright side" just ends up making them feel worse.
Yes, looking forward is very useful, but HELPING someone to look forward requires a much lighter touch.
The remark that "it seems to run in the family" was unnecessarily mean. You may not think so, but it was.
If you are finding the situation with your father so difficult, it might be a good idea to look for some support for yourself as well.
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help! - Blankity Blank - 09-08-2019
Janit wrote: The remark that "it seems to run in the family" was unnecessarily mean. You may not think so, but it was.
I’m going to begin by standing in Markintosh’s corner, and disagree with that assessment. Even more to the point, his remark, at this point, only really scratches the surface of the elephant in the room.
Gene, we’re hundreds of posts in. Most, if not all of them, have been thoughtful, well meaning and carefully considered. But there is an elephant in the room. Maybe two or three.
If I were to take the ‘view from 30,000 feet’, no judgements, only observations, there are a few things that stand out. Needless to say, this is my view, and only my view, as far as I know.
First, from what’s been related to us, there are places where 1+1 do not seem to add up to 2. Beyond that, there are one or two places that, to be frank, as they stand, have some trouble passing the sniff test, at least for me.
But, those things are beyond parsing, or even explaining, in a setting like this. Far more important is mileage. Wear and tear.
You’ve covered even more terrain than me, Gene, and the journey takes its toll on us all. The brakes can start to squeak, the wheels get out of align, the gears don’t shift quite as well as they used to, the steering gets a little sloppy. We get a little broken. We just have to pop the hood and get the work done.
You need help in some ways we can’t give, as much as we’d like to. The man in the mirror needs seeing to. You’re strong enough. You’re brave enough. Keeping taking those small steps, but ultimately the biggest job, as it probably is for all of us, will be getting your internal house in order. Therapy, spiritual counseling, different strokes for different folks, but that’s going to be the real key to winning the war, I’d bet dollars to donuts.
Re: GeneL Needs Our Help! - Yoyodyne ArtWorks - 09-08-2019
Like Willy the Shake sez, “I must be cruel, only to be kind.”