08-10-2019, 06:59 PM
Well said, Diana. The part about women in that generation (hell, today's generation ... ) having a certain type of critical self image is 100% spot-on. The only time I ever got upset at my mom when she was dying of cancer was when she asked, "Why me? What have I done." I was visibly shaking at the thought of her blaming herself for her situation, it was such bullshit.
Possible red flag, as was her unwillingness to divorce for "tax reasons" (Sorry, not buying that, especially year after year.)
Look Gene, I don't mean to question her motives over the years, and I get that the convenience of being a couple has helped you both. But there's room to additionally be smart and considerate about finances and commitment as well. That means not putting one of you out on the street.
As a parent I've done and said things that were unpleasant because it's not my job to be "their friend" all the time and to please them. Same goes for a companion. Every friend deserves an honest assessment. You asked, we're answering. As friends. Mavis wants help. Seems like you're in the best position to do it.
If you think the daughter is acting out of line to the detriment of both of you, I'd wager 33-some years of commitment gives you every damn right to tell her where to go and how to get there. It's not "emotion" or "meanness," just behavior needing modification. Or act guilty and you'll surely be it.
This is as much about you as it is Mavis. I get the strong sense she's a conflict avoider. Probably you both are. There are dire consequences for not standing up for yourself, and it limits the amount of outside assistance you'll perhaps see.
1) Take care of immediate needs
2) Make the calls already suggested.
3) Talk to the estate and auction houses. Yes they'll be expensive but the alternative is to get nothing. Please, I hope you take this in the spirit intended, but if multiple friends here tell you that estate or auction houses take a big cut but that there are obvious benefits to doing so, please don't then respond about a story years ago where you declined to go that route because of how little they pay. That seriously diminishes the sober and helpful input we've provided, and that you've asked for, yes?
4) I also really like the idea of reaching out to every child and grandchild. Be simple and straight to the point. If you have info to share, share it. If you have questions about the daughter, let ALL of them know you and Mavis have been left in the dark. Let them know the daughter has done X, Y, and Z without explanation to either you or to Mavis. It's time to let the family know the daughter is an asshat and that lives are at stake. This passive-agressive B.S. about withholding love (of kids/grandkids) for an unnamed power play only flies if you set it free.
If I'm wrong please let me know and I'll shut up as misunderstanding and misreading the situation.
GeneL wrote:
... Basically it seems she did that to prevent me from having any "interest" in the ownership of the condo.
Possible red flag, as was her unwillingness to divorce for "tax reasons" (Sorry, not buying that, especially year after year.)
Look Gene, I don't mean to question her motives over the years, and I get that the convenience of being a couple has helped you both. But there's room to additionally be smart and considerate about finances and commitment as well. That means not putting one of you out on the street.
GeneL wrote:
... Any of you who are parents may have experienced saying something or doing something that made your little child so upset with fear that they just crumbled in front of you because they didn't have the experience to deal with the situation. That is what it felt like to me when Mavis described her fear of what would happen if she let me come home.
I just couldn't stand to bring out that terrified feeling that I saw, so I have backed off. I don't want to hurt her because I love her, so I am stuck, not able to get her to protect herself and not able to bring legal remedies into the situation.
As a parent I've done and said things that were unpleasant because it's not my job to be "their friend" all the time and to please them. Same goes for a companion. Every friend deserves an honest assessment. You asked, we're answering. As friends. Mavis wants help. Seems like you're in the best position to do it.
If you think the daughter is acting out of line to the detriment of both of you, I'd wager 33-some years of commitment gives you every damn right to tell her where to go and how to get there. It's not "emotion" or "meanness," just behavior needing modification. Or act guilty and you'll surely be it.
This is as much about you as it is Mavis. I get the strong sense she's a conflict avoider. Probably you both are. There are dire consequences for not standing up for yourself, and it limits the amount of outside assistance you'll perhaps see.
1) Take care of immediate needs
2) Make the calls already suggested.
3) Talk to the estate and auction houses. Yes they'll be expensive but the alternative is to get nothing. Please, I hope you take this in the spirit intended, but if multiple friends here tell you that estate or auction houses take a big cut but that there are obvious benefits to doing so, please don't then respond about a story years ago where you declined to go that route because of how little they pay. That seriously diminishes the sober and helpful input we've provided, and that you've asked for, yes?
4) I also really like the idea of reaching out to every child and grandchild. Be simple and straight to the point. If you have info to share, share it. If you have questions about the daughter, let ALL of them know you and Mavis have been left in the dark. Let them know the daughter has done X, Y, and Z without explanation to either you or to Mavis. It's time to let the family know the daughter is an asshat and that lives are at stake. This passive-agressive B.S. about withholding love (of kids/grandkids) for an unnamed power play only flies if you set it free.
If I'm wrong please let me know and I'll shut up as misunderstanding and misreading the situation.