11-25-2008, 12:48 AM
ABOVE THE LAW (1988) PEOPLE KILLED: 12*
Seagal IS Nico Toscani, a renegade cop who doesn’t play by the book but who gets results, untangling a sinister CIA conspiracy. NOTABLE FOR: Very little besides being Seagal’s debut, which he earned after impressing mega-agent Michael Ovitz during a stint as his personal trainer. Oh, and for some inexplicable reason being renamed Nico for the European market.
MARKED FOR DEATH (1990) PEOPLE KILLED: 15
Seagal IS john Hatcher, a renegade DEA agent who doesn’t play by the book but who gets results, out to take down a Jamaican drug cartel led by the evil Screwface. NOTABLE FOR: Rapid degeneration into surreal voodoo-related plot twists in third “act,” and groveling post-credits apology to the Jamaican people, assuring viewers that the movie is just fiction. As if there were any confusion there.
HARD TO KILL (1990) PEOPLE KILLED: 13
Seagal IS Mason Storm (yes, really) a renegade cop who doesn’t play by the book but who gets results, recently awakened from a seven-year coma with a mission to knock off the sleazebags who put him there. And shag Kelly LeBrock. NOTABLE FOR: Hilarious just-out-of-coma hospital gurney chase scene, rivaling virtually anything post-Stooges.
OUT FOR JUSTICE (1991) PEOPLE KILLED: 10
Seagal IS Gino Felino, a renegade cop who doesn’t play by the book but who gets results, headed for a lethal showdown with the evil drug kingpin who’s been his enemy ever since the two were in short pants. NOTABLE FOR: Seagal’s interesting fashion foray into beret territory, and for being remarkably mean-spirited, even by Seagal standards.
UNDER SIEGE (1992) PEOPLE KILLED: 5
Seagal IS Casey Ryback, a renegade, urn, galley cook who doesn’t play by the book but who gets results, taking it upon himself to single-handedly liberate the USS Missouri from the nutty terrorists who plan to set off the onboard nukes. NOTABLE FOR: Erika Eleniak’s topless birthday cake entrance: a DVD-pauser if ever there was one. And, actually. for being quite good.
ON DEADLY GROUND (1994) PEOPLE KILLED: 30
Seagal IS Forrest Taft, a renegade environmental agent who doesn’t play by the book but who gets results, tasked by an Eskimo chief to defend his people’s Alaskan homeland. NOTABLE FOR: Being “directed” by Seagal himself. And for Michael Caine’s career lowlight as an ultra-evil oil executive, who apparently has half his company’s crude product applied directly to his hair.
UNDER SIEGE 2: DARK TERRITORY (1995) PEOPLE KILLED: 23
Seagal IS Casey Ryback again, a renegade cook who still doesn’t play by the book but who still gets results, this time stuck on a train with a bunch of satellite-jacking terrorists. NOTABLE FOR: Eric Bogosian, obviously smart enough to see the funny side of the whole thing and thereby delivering one of the more refreshing bad-guy turns in recent movie memory.
EXECUTIVE DECISION (1996) PEOPLE KILLED: 17
Seagal IS Austin Travis, a renegade special ops colonel who actually does play by the book and therefore fails to get results, in this surprisingly peppy airline hijack caper. NOTABLE FOR: Seagal getting killed in the first act and leaving it all up to Kurt Russell to sort out.
THE GLIMMER MAN (1996) PEOPLE KILLED: 17
Seagal IS jack Cole, a renegade mystical new-age cop who doesn’t play by the book (that’s better!) but who gets results, teamed up with Keenan Ivory Wayans of all people, on the trail of a serial killer. NOTABLE FOR: A return to Seagal formula, as our now slightly corpulent hero performs his trademark “everybody in the place will now be thrown through that window” scene.
FIRE DOWN BELOW (1997) PEOPLE KILLED: 7
Seagal IS jack Taggart, a renegade EPA agent who doesn’t play by the rules but who gets results, out to punish the evil suits (led by Kris Kristofferson) who are dumping toxic waste into his beloved Kentucky homeland. NOTABLE FOR: Seagal’s unfortunate attempt to branch out as a musician, strumming his six-string both on-screen and on the movie’s soundtrack. Ouch.
THE PATRIOT (1998) PEOPLE KILLED: OH, WE GIVE UP
No, not the good one with Mel Gibson. Here, Seagal IS Wesley Mclaren, a renegade doctor who doesn’t, etc., etc., out to find the cure for a lethal virus unleashed by a military dictator. NOTABLE FOR: Replacing the martial arts and action scenes with lecturing speeches about the benefits of alternative medicine, thereby ensuring its release into straight-to-video hell, and putting Seagal’s career on pause. Until now, it seems ...
Seagal IS Nico Toscani, a renegade cop who doesn’t play by the book but who gets results, untangling a sinister CIA conspiracy. NOTABLE FOR: Very little besides being Seagal’s debut, which he earned after impressing mega-agent Michael Ovitz during a stint as his personal trainer. Oh, and for some inexplicable reason being renamed Nico for the European market.
MARKED FOR DEATH (1990) PEOPLE KILLED: 15
Seagal IS john Hatcher, a renegade DEA agent who doesn’t play by the book but who gets results, out to take down a Jamaican drug cartel led by the evil Screwface. NOTABLE FOR: Rapid degeneration into surreal voodoo-related plot twists in third “act,” and groveling post-credits apology to the Jamaican people, assuring viewers that the movie is just fiction. As if there were any confusion there.
HARD TO KILL (1990) PEOPLE KILLED: 13
Seagal IS Mason Storm (yes, really) a renegade cop who doesn’t play by the book but who gets results, recently awakened from a seven-year coma with a mission to knock off the sleazebags who put him there. And shag Kelly LeBrock. NOTABLE FOR: Hilarious just-out-of-coma hospital gurney chase scene, rivaling virtually anything post-Stooges.
OUT FOR JUSTICE (1991) PEOPLE KILLED: 10
Seagal IS Gino Felino, a renegade cop who doesn’t play by the book but who gets results, headed for a lethal showdown with the evil drug kingpin who’s been his enemy ever since the two were in short pants. NOTABLE FOR: Seagal’s interesting fashion foray into beret territory, and for being remarkably mean-spirited, even by Seagal standards.
UNDER SIEGE (1992) PEOPLE KILLED: 5
Seagal IS Casey Ryback, a renegade, urn, galley cook who doesn’t play by the book but who gets results, taking it upon himself to single-handedly liberate the USS Missouri from the nutty terrorists who plan to set off the onboard nukes. NOTABLE FOR: Erika Eleniak’s topless birthday cake entrance: a DVD-pauser if ever there was one. And, actually. for being quite good.
ON DEADLY GROUND (1994) PEOPLE KILLED: 30
Seagal IS Forrest Taft, a renegade environmental agent who doesn’t play by the book but who gets results, tasked by an Eskimo chief to defend his people’s Alaskan homeland. NOTABLE FOR: Being “directed” by Seagal himself. And for Michael Caine’s career lowlight as an ultra-evil oil executive, who apparently has half his company’s crude product applied directly to his hair.
UNDER SIEGE 2: DARK TERRITORY (1995) PEOPLE KILLED: 23
Seagal IS Casey Ryback again, a renegade cook who still doesn’t play by the book but who still gets results, this time stuck on a train with a bunch of satellite-jacking terrorists. NOTABLE FOR: Eric Bogosian, obviously smart enough to see the funny side of the whole thing and thereby delivering one of the more refreshing bad-guy turns in recent movie memory.
EXECUTIVE DECISION (1996) PEOPLE KILLED: 17
Seagal IS Austin Travis, a renegade special ops colonel who actually does play by the book and therefore fails to get results, in this surprisingly peppy airline hijack caper. NOTABLE FOR: Seagal getting killed in the first act and leaving it all up to Kurt Russell to sort out.
THE GLIMMER MAN (1996) PEOPLE KILLED: 17
Seagal IS jack Cole, a renegade mystical new-age cop who doesn’t play by the book (that’s better!) but who gets results, teamed up with Keenan Ivory Wayans of all people, on the trail of a serial killer. NOTABLE FOR: A return to Seagal formula, as our now slightly corpulent hero performs his trademark “everybody in the place will now be thrown through that window” scene.
FIRE DOWN BELOW (1997) PEOPLE KILLED: 7
Seagal IS jack Taggart, a renegade EPA agent who doesn’t play by the rules but who gets results, out to punish the evil suits (led by Kris Kristofferson) who are dumping toxic waste into his beloved Kentucky homeland. NOTABLE FOR: Seagal’s unfortunate attempt to branch out as a musician, strumming his six-string both on-screen and on the movie’s soundtrack. Ouch.
THE PATRIOT (1998) PEOPLE KILLED: OH, WE GIVE UP
No, not the good one with Mel Gibson. Here, Seagal IS Wesley Mclaren, a renegade doctor who doesn’t, etc., etc., out to find the cure for a lethal virus unleashed by a military dictator. NOTABLE FOR: Replacing the martial arts and action scenes with lecturing speeches about the benefits of alternative medicine, thereby ensuring its release into straight-to-video hell, and putting Seagal’s career on pause. Until now, it seems ...