Friday jokes- please!

[timg]

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"How much for the beer?" the neutron asks the bartender.

"For you?" replies the bartender,"no charge."

[Grace62]

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.
He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, 'Mother of Six', in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party. He decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouted at the top of his voice,"Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

[Grace62]

Chuck Norris doesn’t have disk latency because the hard drive knows to hurry the hell up.

Chuck Norris writes code that optimizes itself.

Chuck Norris can’t test for equality because he has no equal.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need garbage collection because he doesn’t call .Dispose(), he calls .DropKick().

Chuck Norris’s first program was kill -9.

[ztirffritz]

Grace62 wrote: Chuck Norris’s first program was kill -9.

nyuk nyuk...like that one.

[Trouble]

ztirffritz wrote: Wow. Now that was a funny thread. You can tell so much about people's personalities from that. Some people enjoy civil disobedience just for the hell of it. Others find it to be detrimental to society. Others find it to be necessary to preserve society. Others remain blissfully ignorant despite an issue smacking them in the face. All types were visible in that thread.

Can definitely tell your personality from that slanted and generalized response.

[ztirffritz]

Trouble wrote:
[quote=ztirffritz]Wow. Now that was a funny thread. You can tell so much about people's personalities from that. Some people enjoy civil disobedience just for the hell of it. Others find it to be detrimental to society. Others find it to be necessary to preserve society. Others remain blissfully ignorant despite an issue smacking them in the face. All types were visible in that thread.

Can definitely tell your personality from that slanted and generalized response.
I bet you're wrong...

[Grace62]

Don't make me get the Hitler kitty.

[Trouble]

ztirffritz wrote:
[quote=Trouble]
[quote=ztirffritz]Wow. Now that was a funny thread. You can tell so much about people's personalities from that. Some people enjoy civil disobedience just for the hell of it. Others find it to be detrimental to society. Others find it to be necessary to preserve society. Others remain blissfully ignorant despite an issue smacking them in the face. All types were visible in that thread.

Can definitely tell your personality from that slanted and generalized response.
I bet you're wrong...
I'd bet I'm not. You put everyone in one of four groups and slanted two of them.

[Winston]

Not strickly jokes, but some humor:

* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole
a bike and asked for forgiveness.

* Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat
you with experience.

* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

* Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed
to tell you why it isn't.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.

* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

* I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of
emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

* Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

* A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.

* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

* There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they
can't get away.

* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

* You're never too old to learn something stupid.

* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit
the target.

* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.

* A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you
look forward to the trip.

* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they
were.

* I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon and a
shot of tequila.

* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department
usually uses water.


Paraprosdokian: Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence
or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous
situation..
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.