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I have a relative, by recent marriage, that has been depressed for a very long time. I have been trying to encourage him as best I can but yesterday he brought up the S word via email. Said he sometimes thinks about it. I need some advice on how to handle this. I've already encouraged him to seek counseling and even gave him the name of a place that could help him. I feel like I need to talk to his wife but I'm not sure what to say. She is aware he has felt this way in the past but it doesn't seem like either one is taking any action. What else can I do in this situation? BTW, they are on the opposite side of the country from me so I am not able to go visit physically.
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Is he resistant to seeking therapy? All depressed people think about suicide; that doesn't necessarily make them suicidal (ask me how I know). Did you sense from his email that he is an imminent threat to himself?
Try to talk to him about seeing a psychiatrist to see about medication (which helps) and a therapist (also helps). Don't dwell on the s-word. Let him know you're concerned and thinking about ways he could get some help. Maybe try that before you approach is wife.
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Assess degree of risk:
- Thoughts of hurting himself
- vs having a plan of how he would do it (much worse)
- vs being willing to carry out the plan (much much worse)
Obviously, he really needs professional evaluation - if he's not seeing a psychiatrist, he needs to and should be coaxed in this direction.
It is worthwhile risking the friendship in order to approach his wife about it - ask if he has expressed any thoughts of self-harm to her, and then let her know that you are concerned based on your conversation with him. She's in a better position to take care of his needs. If she feels he's an imminent threat to himself, she should realize that a 911 call is not unreasonable, if he refuses to go to ER himself.
There's no easy way to do this, but better to take action and fail, than not to take action and regret it later.
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There's no easy way to do this, but better to take action and fail, than not to take action and regret it later.
This. I was about to say something along those lines, but he said it much better than me.
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I have seen this asked online elsewhere - many posters replied with a suicide hotline number to the poster (who was thinking about suicide). But yes, I would definitely do whatever I could to get him professional help, and involving his SO as well. It may even take you looking up local providers, but do get him help.
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Thanks everyone. I appreciate the advice and of course any further advice. Since they live so far away I think his wife is the best judge of his state of mind but I was unsure what to advise her. I will reinforce the recommendation to seek counseling and make sure she is aware of the suicide hotline (which I was unaware of).
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Suicidal depression is a subset of depression. If you use suicidal thoughts as a criteria for a mood disorder you're going to mis-diagnose an awful lot of people.
Keep encouraging him to at least go and get an evaluation.
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Be a friend to him and call or e-mail him often. Encourage him to seek help and certainly talk with his wife about it. My brother committed suicide and I wish I had done all those things.
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Do what you can to remain calm yourself.
If the situation makes YOU anxious and angry, try to talk through these emotions with someone else (or even this forum), so that you can communicate with your relative and his wife from a position of attentive and supportive concern.
Gentle concern is generally more effective than angry manipulation. Even people who are not typically angry manipulators can find themselves falling into that mode under stress.
Maintain contact with them as much as you can, and make sure to talk about everyday matters, not focusing on the S word. Every one is different, and it can be difficult to strike the right note, especially if you don't know the person well and are far away.
Suggesting that a professional might help him get "through" this is generally more effective than language indicating he needs to be fixed or healed.
