09-12-2011, 09:47 PM
8/16/11
Vignettes From The Loony Bin
Or
Greg Goes On Vacation
--Forkless--
I had nowhere to live; I had just been told that I had to go elsewhere. It was 4:00 in the morning; I had not slept all night and was exhausted. My disability leaves me unable to drive to a motel. I don’t know where to go or who to call; I needed someone to talk to. Seeing only negative options, I called the suicide hotline, because it’s rude to call anyone else at 4:00 in the morning. The hotline operator was concerned and sent out police and an ambulance. They said that, because of my phone call, they needed to take me in. I asked them if they had a place for me to sleep. They did, so I went. I was taken to a secure floor of a nearby hospital. No televisions, no clocks, the only utensil was a plastic spoon. One time for lunch they served, among other things, slices of ham. Kashrut aside, what the hell do I do with slices of ham and a plastic spoon?
--Spin--
It was important to my own psyche that I spin my circumstances to pursue and maintain happiness. I was in a locked psych facility with no phone, no iPad, no Kindle, no Internet, no nothing (oh, the horror). For the first two days I did not have my wheelchair, and as the ones that belonged to the hospital were ratty, I simply decided to stay in bed. I could have viewed this a sort of double confinement (my bed and my own body), instead, as I chose to tell my fellow inmates, I laid in bed for two days while women washed my balls.
--Kid Dork--
One fellow came in around midway through my stay; a few of us considered him our version of Kid Rock: tall, skinny, stringy hair, goatee, tennis shoes, torn jeans, rock and roll t-shirt, tattoos. When he was being checked in, we overheard him say he was a vampire, and who am I to doubt my new friend? We only spoke once. Trying to make conversation, I told him that I once tried to grow hair like his - long and straight down. I said that, to my dismay, my hair first grows outwards before it grows down. He nodded sympathetically and said you have to get through the dork phase. I wish I had his persistence.
--zing!--
One staff member was R. She was sweet, cheerful, helpful, and my recommended go-to person if you ever need a suppository shoved up your ass. To merely say her technique was efficient would be selling her short.
--In case you’re wondering--
The suppository helped me poop out everything from the previous 3 weeks. It was magnificent. You cannot unknow this.
--playing it safe--
I’ve never been good at flirting, well…that’s not true. I’m good at flirting only when it’s safe. I went up to R (the suppository sweetie) and said, “I’m not doing anything tonight, would you like to go to a movie? She said “yes”. I said “fantastic!” and left.
--damn, we’re in a tight spot!--
One fellow and I made fairly close friends. He was in there because he had been misdiagnosed earlier and given the wrong medication. Because of this, he lost custody of his daughter. Such is the place I was in. A whole bunch of different people, some because of drugs, some because of bad diagnoses, some because of natural disorders, all together in the same place counting the days.
--I forgot--
A priest walks into a bar, no wait, that’s not right. A physical therapist walked into my room. She looked so familiar. I said to her, “you look so familiar.” She said I also looked familiar to her. I asked if I had ever seen her at my regular clinic. She said “no.” I asked her “have we ever been married?”
--open-minded--
When I was lying in bed one day, during one of my days in bed, a cute and crazy older woman walked into my room and sat down on the visitor chair. She looked around sneakily and put a finger to her lips as an admonition of quiet and confided, “I’m not supposed to be in your room. Can I come back later?” I said “sure.” But she did not come back; I wonder what would have happened if she had.
--dammit--
On my floor, none of the patients’ rooms’ doors locked so really there was assumed a trust that one’s personal things would not go missing. In my week there, I heard of no theft but some bastard did steal one of my sugar cookies when I was late getting to lunch.
--sliced, prewrapped care--
The staff ought to really be given credit for caring. Many of the patients were smokers who, unfortunately, had to go cold turkey because smoking was not permitted. I told one of the staff that my vices did not include smoking, but did include cheese. The next day my lunch tray had extra cheese on it. I was very touched by the gesture.
--whee!--
In an isolated incident of intellectual sparring, I discussed cultural relativism with one of the staff. He opposed it based on its incompatibility with a set of truly just laws. I challenged this because, that something is preferred, does not mean it was necessary. Really it was just verbal masturbation, but was really quite fun. And it was a good break for him as much as for me.
--duh--
One morning I awoke to a very serious nurse asking why I did not get up for breakfast. I said it’s because I can’t walk and I don’t have an alarm clock, how’s that?
--I’m reckless. Wanna make out?--
My wheelchair elevates around ten inches. I don’t use this often because the electronics automatically throttle down the top speed. I used it once in the hospital in order to better converse with people at their height. One of the nurses (R, of suppository fame) saw me elevated and told me to get down. I said “no” and made a raspberry. (I also informed her that she’s not the boss of me.) She asked me, “Why do men like scaring women?” I said, “Because we hope you’ll think we are very masculine and will be attracted to us.” She nodded thoughtfully; I’m glad to have explained this to her.
--medicinal-grade--
One time in Group, we played a game where we drew pictures on the marker board and people had to guess what we were drawing. All of the objects on the board were supposed to be tools for coping. One fellow had to draw a journal. So, he started by drawing the spiral wire that keeps the pages together. I quickly shouted, “A saw!” He looked at me, grinning, and said, “Perfect! Saw your problems away.” This gave me the giggles for an hour.
--nyuk--
The more time went on, the sillier I got. One evening I saw a nurse and a security guard standing near the locked exit. I said to the security guard, feigning panic, “Help, help, I’m being held prisoner.” I think the man was very puzzled, which for me counted as a success.
--all done--
I was released five days after I was admitted. And I must say, that despite my separation from my precious electronics, I really do miss the people. It was a good learning experience how to deal with adversity and a new situation. According to my fellow loonies, I was very strong and had a good attitude. My ego says I should believe them.
Vignettes From The Loony Bin
Or
Greg Goes On Vacation
--Forkless--
I had nowhere to live; I had just been told that I had to go elsewhere. It was 4:00 in the morning; I had not slept all night and was exhausted. My disability leaves me unable to drive to a motel. I don’t know where to go or who to call; I needed someone to talk to. Seeing only negative options, I called the suicide hotline, because it’s rude to call anyone else at 4:00 in the morning. The hotline operator was concerned and sent out police and an ambulance. They said that, because of my phone call, they needed to take me in. I asked them if they had a place for me to sleep. They did, so I went. I was taken to a secure floor of a nearby hospital. No televisions, no clocks, the only utensil was a plastic spoon. One time for lunch they served, among other things, slices of ham. Kashrut aside, what the hell do I do with slices of ham and a plastic spoon?
--Spin--
It was important to my own psyche that I spin my circumstances to pursue and maintain happiness. I was in a locked psych facility with no phone, no iPad, no Kindle, no Internet, no nothing (oh, the horror). For the first two days I did not have my wheelchair, and as the ones that belonged to the hospital were ratty, I simply decided to stay in bed. I could have viewed this a sort of double confinement (my bed and my own body), instead, as I chose to tell my fellow inmates, I laid in bed for two days while women washed my balls.
--Kid Dork--
One fellow came in around midway through my stay; a few of us considered him our version of Kid Rock: tall, skinny, stringy hair, goatee, tennis shoes, torn jeans, rock and roll t-shirt, tattoos. When he was being checked in, we overheard him say he was a vampire, and who am I to doubt my new friend? We only spoke once. Trying to make conversation, I told him that I once tried to grow hair like his - long and straight down. I said that, to my dismay, my hair first grows outwards before it grows down. He nodded sympathetically and said you have to get through the dork phase. I wish I had his persistence.
--zing!--
One staff member was R. She was sweet, cheerful, helpful, and my recommended go-to person if you ever need a suppository shoved up your ass. To merely say her technique was efficient would be selling her short.
--In case you’re wondering--
The suppository helped me poop out everything from the previous 3 weeks. It was magnificent. You cannot unknow this.
--playing it safe--
I’ve never been good at flirting, well…that’s not true. I’m good at flirting only when it’s safe. I went up to R (the suppository sweetie) and said, “I’m not doing anything tonight, would you like to go to a movie? She said “yes”. I said “fantastic!” and left.
--damn, we’re in a tight spot!--
One fellow and I made fairly close friends. He was in there because he had been misdiagnosed earlier and given the wrong medication. Because of this, he lost custody of his daughter. Such is the place I was in. A whole bunch of different people, some because of drugs, some because of bad diagnoses, some because of natural disorders, all together in the same place counting the days.
--I forgot--
A priest walks into a bar, no wait, that’s not right. A physical therapist walked into my room. She looked so familiar. I said to her, “you look so familiar.” She said I also looked familiar to her. I asked if I had ever seen her at my regular clinic. She said “no.” I asked her “have we ever been married?”
--open-minded--
When I was lying in bed one day, during one of my days in bed, a cute and crazy older woman walked into my room and sat down on the visitor chair. She looked around sneakily and put a finger to her lips as an admonition of quiet and confided, “I’m not supposed to be in your room. Can I come back later?” I said “sure.” But she did not come back; I wonder what would have happened if she had.
--dammit--
On my floor, none of the patients’ rooms’ doors locked so really there was assumed a trust that one’s personal things would not go missing. In my week there, I heard of no theft but some bastard did steal one of my sugar cookies when I was late getting to lunch.
--sliced, prewrapped care--
The staff ought to really be given credit for caring. Many of the patients were smokers who, unfortunately, had to go cold turkey because smoking was not permitted. I told one of the staff that my vices did not include smoking, but did include cheese. The next day my lunch tray had extra cheese on it. I was very touched by the gesture.
--whee!--
In an isolated incident of intellectual sparring, I discussed cultural relativism with one of the staff. He opposed it based on its incompatibility with a set of truly just laws. I challenged this because, that something is preferred, does not mean it was necessary. Really it was just verbal masturbation, but was really quite fun. And it was a good break for him as much as for me.
--duh--
One morning I awoke to a very serious nurse asking why I did not get up for breakfast. I said it’s because I can’t walk and I don’t have an alarm clock, how’s that?
--I’m reckless. Wanna make out?--
My wheelchair elevates around ten inches. I don’t use this often because the electronics automatically throttle down the top speed. I used it once in the hospital in order to better converse with people at their height. One of the nurses (R, of suppository fame) saw me elevated and told me to get down. I said “no” and made a raspberry. (I also informed her that she’s not the boss of me.) She asked me, “Why do men like scaring women?” I said, “Because we hope you’ll think we are very masculine and will be attracted to us.” She nodded thoughtfully; I’m glad to have explained this to her.
--medicinal-grade--
One time in Group, we played a game where we drew pictures on the marker board and people had to guess what we were drawing. All of the objects on the board were supposed to be tools for coping. One fellow had to draw a journal. So, he started by drawing the spiral wire that keeps the pages together. I quickly shouted, “A saw!” He looked at me, grinning, and said, “Perfect! Saw your problems away.” This gave me the giggles for an hour.
--nyuk--
The more time went on, the sillier I got. One evening I saw a nurse and a security guard standing near the locked exit. I said to the security guard, feigning panic, “Help, help, I’m being held prisoner.” I think the man was very puzzled, which for me counted as a success.
--all done--
I was released five days after I was admitted. And I must say, that despite my separation from my precious electronics, I really do miss the people. It was a good learning experience how to deal with adversity and a new situation. According to my fellow loonies, I was very strong and had a good attitude. My ego says I should believe them.