I think my Elderly Dad is abusing my also Elderly Mom..verbal and mental

[Kraniac]

My Mom is in Dementia and has a heart issue that has put her in the hospital 6 times in the last year and a half..she's almost 80.

My Dad is active and works out and used to leave her at home all the time until us kids stepped and took over the situation..got caregivers, made the house safe (she's a fall risk), etc. I shut down my business several years ago to manage this and started doing work solely for the people in their condo association..bathroom /kitchen rehabs, windows..everything..I get a lot of work and it keeps me on site where I can keep an eye on what's going with my folks.

The other night, I was wrapping my day and went down to their apartment..as I entered I heard my Mom screaming at the top of here lungs.."STOP IT!!,Stop DOING THAT!!! WHY are you saying that!!!

I stopped and listened (keep in mind my Mom is extremely frail, in dementia and has a heart issue..and my Dad is a former Cardiologist)

I heard my Dad say..i"if you dont eat that dessert Im trhowing it out"..he was doing in a very strange teasing voice..

My Mom reacted the same way but more intensely..

Long pause..then he does it again..

He does this 5 times and each time my Mom is ramping up in intensity..almost crying.

I made my presence known after confiming what was going on.

I said to my Dad "Is that what a physician does with a heart patient?"

He got over the top pissed and stormed out of the room..I comforted my Mom and then went into the other room and told my Dad that if he ever talks to her like that again Im going to move her out and call adult protective services..

I was improvising on this because I have no experience in this area..

My Dad is a piece of work..all the kids know it..Narcissistic..the complete deal, over the top..We've all been worried about his state of mind and this view into their situation really dropped me

What do we do??

My Mom didn't even remember it after about a half hour..the next day she remembered it for an instant and then forgot it...

???

help

[Lemon Drop]

Sorry to hear this. Glad you checked in on them.

Sounds like this is no longer a safe and healthy living arrangement for your Mom. Time to look into assisted living or living with a relative who can care for her.

Dad may also be dealing with early onset of something dementia-related. Has he seen a neurologist lately?

Best wishes. I know this is a very tough situation.

[M>B>]

You might start here and follow the links...

http://www.napsa-now.org/

There is help out there!

[ka jowct]

That's a terribly disturbing experience. I don't know what you should do; do you think that the threat is enough? Is there any way that you can install a couple of nannie cams?

Your poor mom is a perfect target for abuse, given that she forgets it, and would not necessarily be believed if she told someone about it. Perhaps someone here can offer some advice; but I also have to hope that not too many of us have had to deal with a situation like this.

[The UnDoug]

I would also think that it must be very trying/taxing on your dad to be living with a person suffering from dementia. We all snap at times, and to be dealing with what he must on a daily basis would surely be difficult.

Maybe some counseling or therapy for him, or some type of in-house caregiver who can lend a hand so that your dad doesn't have to shoulder so much of the burden, and deal with the frustration that dealing with your mom might be causing.

Sorry to hear about the situation. Good for you for reaching out for help!

[DavidS]

I've seen this a couple times with elderly patients. It's heartbreaking, especially when they have been married (happily or not) for decades. The advice that has already been given is excellent, so I don't have much else to add.

Not to give him a pass, but I agree that your Dad is under a tremendous amount of stress himself. This is not how he envisioned spending their "golden years." Some counseling, a men's group, or dementia support group may help.

It's good that you already have caregivers around to keep an eye on her and that you are working on site frequently. Assuming the caregivers help her bathe, they can be on the lookout for any bruises that show up. Keep your siblings in the loop as well. They might not want to hear this, but it's important that they are up to speed on what may be happening.

Good Luck!!

[Kraniac]

Thanks guys..keep the info coming.

I'm in Chicago by the by and so are my Folks.

Sorry for the multitude of typos and errors in my post..i think you get the point..Ill fix a few key items.

[davester]

I have no advice based on experience, but I feel for you, your mom, even your dad, and the situation. It sounds like they need to be separated or if that's not possible a third party brought in to keep the situation safe. The current situation sounds completely untenable and needs to be changed. Good luck to you.

[prymsnap]

What a heartache. Agree with the advice here: try to find ways for your dad to siphon frustration in a healther way, but don't for a minute compromise your mother's safety. Not an easy balance.

Good on you for not turning a blind eye or soft-pedalling the awfulness of this.

[$tevie]

My uncle has Alzheimers. He is 97 and my aunt is 94 but both have their physical health and my aunt is still as sharp as a tack, but obviously not able to be a care provider for my uncle. They moved to an Emeritus facility a couple years ago. They have their own apartment, my aunt has as much or as little assistance as needed each day, and there are activities both for my uncle to help keep him anchored and for my aunt who is entirely capable of participating in regular adult activities like bridge or adult ed classes. They both seem very happy with the arrangement, although my uncle is still having some problems adjusting to having non-family members assisting with more personal things. My understanding is that Emeritus has facilities nationwide and either some facilities specialize in dementia, or perhaps it's that some floors of the facilities do? In any case, my aunt has been impressed with the care they give my uncle. And my cousins are pleased with how well things have gone since they moved there. It has lifted a burden from the whole family.