Discipline of a teenager

[davemchine]

I’m having difficulty disciplining teenager. She is horse crazy and after much much pestering I finally agreed to get her horse riding lessons. This involves a lot of driving and expense. Now she’s insisting she needs a bunny rabbit in the house. I have just remodeled most of my house and I do not want a bunny rabbit roaming freely in the house. I told her it was impossible. I told her she could have a bunny rabbit in the garage if she wanted one. This is becoming an argument every single night at our house where there’s a lot of anger involved. It is a problem and it is damaging our relationship that we have because single night she asks for the bunny, I say no, and then she throws a fit. I’m to the point where I am ready to pull back the horse riding lessons if she doesn’t stop talking about the rabbit. What advice would you give me?

Edit:Just for a few odd words I am voice to text on an iPad and when I try to edit it does not show me keyboard board.

[cbelt3]

You are in the "Maniuplation" phase of child rearing which lasts from perhaps age 3 until you die. Stand fast. Calm but polite. No is no.

Life is full of teachable moments. An explanation of "There will not be a rabbit in the house. Here is why... they are destructive to my recently remodeled home. Also your behavior will have consequences. If you keep pestering for one you will find yourself not going riding either. "

And... not knowing your situation, is there another parent participating in this discussion ? You MUST provide a common "no" or the manipulation becomes a wedge between you.

My youngest son was heard telling his older sister "If Mom and Dad get divorced I can get all kinds of stuff from them". Um. no. We'd been married for 34 years at that point. He was 18. So we decided to call his bluff. We called him into our room and told him we were getting a divorce, selling the house, and since he was 18 he would have to live on his own on his own money and would not get any support from either of us.

He freaked out. Once he was done screaming we both started laughing at him and clearly said "Then stop trying to get us to split up. We can't do without each other, but we sure as hell can do without YOU."

[mattkime]

How old is she?

You're right to stick to your 'No' if for no other reason than she's being rude.

A) She doesn't need a pet.

B) She won't get her way by being disrespectful.

C) If she continues to be disrespectful, you'll take away her riding lessons.

---

Just remember that she's the one damaging things and that it will only end once she decides it should.

Good luck and hang in there.

[Lizabeth]

Terrible teens right?

Yank the riding lessons if she continues the behavior.

Plus start making her pay for part of the horse lessons out of her allowance. They weren't cheap when I was a kid and the parents definitely did that to make sure I really wanted them.

Yes, was and still am horse mad....

[Drew]

A mistake I made when my boys were teenagers was being overly worried whether they would like me or respect me. I said "no" often enough, but was too concerned with trying to get them to understand why. As a result, they did their best to work around me and my reasons. I'm not saying be cold, but firm no with a straight reason is better than trying to have a rational discussion about it. Hope that makes sense. Not sure if I explained it well. Girls are likely different.

Now that they're in their 20s, my sons respect me and are starting to truly understand how much I care for them. By the time they're 30s, especially when married with kids, they'll marvel that I didn't just kick them out of the house when they were teenagers. :-)

[evilrobot]

Drew wrote:
A mistake I made when my boys were teenagers was being overly worried whether they would like me or respect me. I said "no" often enough, but was too concerned with trying to get them to understand why. As a result, they did their best to work around me and my reasons. I'm not saying be cold, but firm no with a straight reason is better than trying to have a rational discussion about it. Hope that makes sense. Not sure if I explained it well. Girls are likely different.

Great answer, and no - girls are the same. I've learned the hard way as well, that opening the door to 'understanding your reasoning' often expanded the argument into their attempt to find a loophole or bad reasoning. They are excellent at turning the tables.

In hindsight - I'm a firm believer in 'no means no'. End of discussion or start losing privileges. Hindsight is a b1tch.

[Winston]

All of the in-house pets we have had, including a rather large rabbit, were cage-only. They could be taken out to hold or pet, but then back in the cage. They didn't get any free roaming time in the house. We have animal dander allergies, and it was generous to allow the small animals in the house at all. Our older son, who has the worst allergies, had a hairless rat at one point.

When we got cats, because our daughters really wanted them, they were outdoors only. (Cat dander is almost impossible to keep corralled, so cats inside was a total non-starter.)

Having a pet is a good lesson in responsibility. It strikes me that offering to have a rabbit stay in the garage is a fine compromise. I assume she wants the animal to live in her room. Another might be to start with a smaller animal like a gerbil or hamster. Graduating to a rabbit would be conditional on adequate care of the smaller animal. Maybe even including her keeping a log of feeding, water jar refilling, and cage cleaning. If our experience is any judge, she has a wholly unrealistic view of how fun the "care" part of having an animal is.

Another issue to discuss is how the animal will be cared for when she is away. Say she has a school trip for a week. Who will she get to care for the animal? It's OK for parents to do this, but also OK for them to put this responsibility on the child.

If she has a friend who has a small animal, or another child does, which you could borrow for a week or two so she could see what's involved in the animal's care (make sure it involves a couple of cage cleanings) that could help sort things out for both of you.


I also agree that throwing a fit ends all conversation immediately at that point. If she wants the responsibility of a pet, she also needs to show the ability to have a responsible conversation about it. Throwing a fit is grounds for dismissal and perhaps other consequences. I'm not sure I'd tie that to riding lessons, however. Other than nagging incessantly for both the riding and the rabbit, what do they have in common? It's best to tie consequences to behavior. Throwing a fit deserves a time-out, and maybe other consequences relevant to family harmony. But does it deserve taking away of an activity which teaches her a skill, responsibility (good horse barns teach about animal care) and which she enjoys?


Final bit of advice: my guess is that she's gotten very good at pushing your buttons. If you can figure out what these are, and not allow them to get pushed - i.e. not rise to the bait of her disruptive actions, but calmly not accept them - you may have better results.


There is nothing wrong with being the uniquely horrible dad "who won't let her do anything her friends do". My kids (now 21 to 29) thank me today for being consistently "strict", although not unreasonable. A child's wants being met have to fit with the whole family's environment. But it's also important to listen to what's important to them, which it sounds like you are doing.


Good luck.

- Winston

[rgG]

Polite but firm. I said you could have a bunny, if you keep it in the garage. If you don’t agree to keep it in the garage then no bunny. And then say, “End of discussion.”

Don’t engage in any further discussion which will just devolve into an argument and someone storming off.

BTW, don’t get any animal that you are not prepared to take care of or get rid of if/when she doesn’t take care of it or whey she goes off to school and you are left with said animal.

[pRICE cUBE]

Are there hawks in the neighborhood? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxFfxTZA6ao

[OWC Jamie]

Pull back the riding lessons.
If that's what it takes to end the manipulation.
This week.
She's testing you.
Pass the exam.
You make the rules in your house and she gets to make the rules in her house.


Remember what the doormouse said.
Feed her head.Feed her head.