Family dog is dying - What to tell a 2 year old?

[mrbigstuff]

Well, it has taken me some time to post this, although the illness has been a long time coming and I have thought many times about doing so, but it remains difficult to write this out. This dog has been in our family for more than a dozen years and through some very traumatic times with me and with my parents. And, to be clear, the dog does not live with me - she lives at my parents' house (although I rescued her and brought her to my parents).

She is getting up in years now (13.5) and suffers from a myriad of problems, mostly that she has a bad heart and a bad hip. She is overweight, but I don't want to start a thread about the wisdom of feeding a dog too much food or other health-related issues that are now no longer relevant. It is what it is at this point in time (some of us are probably overweight, too).

This is a dog that has provided us with so many happy and funny memories over the years that seeing her leave this world will not be entirely sad. But, it will be incredibly hard.

My parents will not get another dog (she was the 2nd) in their remaining years and now my children will not get to grow up with her around, which is very sad for me. But the hardest thing of all is what to tell my two year old son about what is happening to the dog he sees at his grandparents' house on his weekly visits. I am really torn over this and looking into his eyes while he processes this information is inevitably going to make me cry - and I'm also not sure how to deal with showing my true emotions to him at this age, either. I don't want to upset him at such a young age.

Well, thanks for letting me write this out and if you all have any suggestions, I'm all ears. I think I may have to take time from work for this....

[mattkime]

What do you believe happens?

[davester]

I think it's important to teach kids at a fairly early age that birth and death, as well as the bit between those events are all just inevitable parts of the cycle of life that we all are part of. Has your son had any short-lived pets yet (goldfish, crickets, etc) that can help him understand this? Perhaps a timeline showing the life cycle of people (do you have a family tree?) would be helpful. I'd bet dollars to donuts that there are books on exactly this topic at your local kid's bookstore or library. It's especially helpful for kids to already have this perspective when people they know and love (e.g. their grandparents) pass away. I'm painfully aware of the unhealthy and horrendous fear my wife's mother had of death...I felt that she had never been given any perspective on this at a young age so fear of death and avoidance of any mention of it or preparation for it (i.e. making out wills, etc) haunted her for the last couple of decades of her life.

[PeterB]

How about a MUCH simplified version of this?:

http://www.petloss.com/poems/maingrp/rainbowb.htm

(translated: tell your two-year old that the dog is going to a better, special place)

[JoeM]

I feel for you as my own dog, Amber is 13 and our story is very similar to yours. She is having her share of problems and I'm doing everything I can to keep her with me and as well as possible but I know what is ahead for me and her.

That being said I'll offer my own take on how I'd try to handle your situation. I feel like davester in that I believe in teaching kids sooner rather than later about life and death. I would keep it very simple and explain it as a natural progression in all living things. You don't have to focus on the negative aspects of death. You can focus on the beauty of life and how it doesn't stay the same or last forever. Like mattkime said, you can add your own beliefs.

I'd keep the grief you are going to feel for your own private time and buck up in front of your son. He won't be able to get a grip on your expressions of grief but I think he will except a reverant and matter of fact simple explaination of life and passing on in the way young ones accept things from their parents.

You will tear yourself up if you let yourself dwell on thoughts you create in your own mind like you mentioned above about your son processing the info. I would advise you to force yourself to not go there in front of him. I know some of us need to do that when we grieve (I have already done it myself and I'm sure I will be a mess when I have to really deal with it)

Kids are great when you include them in a process. Maybe you can find a way to gently let your son know how you are caring for your dog as her time draws near. If you keep kindness and love showing through it all I think it will be OK.

Best of luck to you, your dog and your family.

[incognegro]

Rainbow Bridge might be a good one.

You can also talk about the dog's spirit continuing, and how it will visit your family all the time. That is, if you don't think it will scare your son more than it will comfort him.

Good luck, not an easy time for anyone, parent, child, or grandparent.

[Craig]

Don't lie.

As davester mentioned, it is important to acknowledge that this is just as natural as birth. While I am not a parent, I don't believe that a 2 year old is normally capable of comprehending mortality so his response might not be as dramatic as you expect. It is ok to cry and it is ok for him to see you cry. Cry together.

When we lost our cat a couple of years ago, I scanned 30 or so of the best photos of her and put them into a memorial slide show set to music and ending with the text of Rainbow Bridge. I did this in iMovie. And while it took some time to put it together, I found the experience very cathartic. Occasionally, we put in the DVD to remind us of how important she is/was in our lives.

Craig

EDIT: Here is a link to a small version of the video: http://craigsbox.com/abby_small.mov [~25 MB]

[ScottG]

I feel your pain. My youngest son is nearly two, and trying to explain anything like this to him would be a nightmare. He is at the stage where he clearly understands far more than he lets us know, and so would pick up far more from us than we would necessarily want him to know. Having said that- for me the best course would be, as suggested above, a frank but simple explanation. Tears from both sides doubtless, but better than hiding the truth from him.

With all the best at this difficult time

scott

[vision63]

Everyone has shared some really nice sentiments. I think the most important issue is the fact that the dog is "suffering." She is becoming more and more debilitated day by day. Her comfort is paramount and it is crucial that every family member consider what it means to be sensitive and compassionate to this beloved family member. This is a good opportunity to teach your child about sensitivity and compassion. About how this dogs life is important and that we as stewards and guardians must ensure that we are determined to do right by her and to take care of her. Perhaps by alleviating her suffering if necessary.

[d0e]

i agree explaining it to him and crying with him will be good for both of you. my dog is in bad shape. he just had a large tumor removed and they found his perineal hernia is now on both sides, both sides have been repaired in the past. i keep telling my self i am not putting him threw another one. it's only a matter of time before i have to do what's best for him